FIX BAYONETS!

Promotion in the sea services is usually accompanied by some sort of ‘wetting down’ ceremony. Normally, that entails a visit to some alcohol dispensing emporium, where the honored guest spends enough money buying booze for his friends that he never gets to enjoy the pay raise he’s just received.

I always managed to avoid this kind of ‘honor’.

Being promoted to Petty Officer Second Class while at sea in the summer of 1974 made it more difficult to avoid the well wishers, though. Impossible, in fact.

The good news was that there wasn’t a bar for several hundreds of miles. The bad news was that my buddies were all creative celebrators. They celebrated by waiting for the helicopters to leave on some trip in to the Alaskan mainland; then grabbed my tender body and strapped me down to the flight deck with helicopter tie down chains and straps. (10,000 pound test). I was going nowhere. My hands were free but the release mechanisms were at the far end of the straps. They had taken my pocket knife away so that I couldn’t cut my way out.

Since I couldn’t get free I took advantage of my ability to sleep nearly anywhere and managed a series of short naps, interrupted by cramping muscles from the way they had me stretched out. Only one person came by in the two or three hours I was there. The Captain showed up for some reason, grinned at me and went away again.

Finally, as the helicopters were inbound for landing and the flight deck crew was getting ready, they decided they shouldn’t be operating with a ‘fouled’ deck, so they let me up. Besides, they needed me as part of the flight quarters crew.

Demotions could be just as interesting. We had an Engineman Second Class on that Icebreaker, who volunteered for Shore Patrol duty when we arrived at Nome, Alaska. His stated reason for such seeming insanity was, “Everyone buys you drinks if you’re the Shore Patrol.” Shortly after returning to the ship drunk, (i.e. unable to walk) he became an Engineman Third class…..

One of our Third Class Bosun’s Mates ran into trouble in Thule, Greenland in 1973. Entertainment on the Air Force base at Thule consisted of the Enlisted club and the Officer’s club. Or, go outside and wait for the sun to set. (Which it would finally do in about September.) Other than that, not so much.

Our hero had been to the Enlisted club and filled up on 49 cent Danish beer. Not being a navigator, he managed to get turned around on his way back to the ship. Instead of heading downhill to the harbor, pier and ship, he headed uphill, towards the interior of Greenland.

Fortunately, the Air Force maintained ‘alert shacks’ at regular intervals around the base, for security. (In case the Russians snuck over the ice cap and attacked the base!) These were each staffed by two Air Force enlisted guys who were probably no more bored than a polar bear counting snowflakes in the middle of a winter blizzard might be. They stopped our hero, questioned him as to his intentions and tried to point him in the proper direction. Unfortunately, our hero was something of a mean drunk. He took exception to the advice being offered. He took such exception that the alert shack was a total loss and the two security guys were definitely worse for wear. But, you can’t win a fight with someone who can call for backup.

Our hero was returned, ungently, to the ship where he was relieved of his ‘crow’ (Petty Officer rank) and became a Seaman before we left the pier, at the insistence of the Base Commander. This being the old days though, public drunkenness resulting in battery (so long as it was committed on members of another service) was often winked at. Records of the Captain’s mast were destroyed and he had his crow back before we’d been at sea for 24 hours.

And then there was the smart aleck back at the Air station who was going for discipline at Captain’s mast and knew he was going to lose a stripe. He took one stripe off of his uniform and remounted it on velcro. Then, at the appropriate point in the proceedings the next day, he simply reached up and tore off the stripe.

The Captain was not amused. He simply stared at the young man, nodded and then, “Let’s see you do that again.” Really messed up the sleeve getting the next stripe off……..