FIX BAYONETS!

Many, many moons ago, when I was young and easily outraged, I had a friend who was of similar choler. He was afflicted with BAD NEIGHBORS.

These neighbors usually managed to remain at a fairly low level of bad but when they became thieving neighbors, he became outraged.

With the Fall of the year advancing and the weather turning colder, the heating season in Southern Oregon began, at a time when many houses (including these two) used wood fires. Now, the neighbors, being improvident, had failed to lay in a supply of wood for the winter, apparently in the belief that my friend’s stock would be sufficient for both households. Also, he had recently had double hernia surgery and was getting around veeery slowly, so he would obviously not be an impediment to their scavenging plans. And, for a time, he wasn’t.

We discussed the problem for quite some time but all of our solutions were either patently ineffective (complaining to the parents) or obviously overkill (setting bear traps in the yard). We finally settled on the idea of some sort of loud noise to scare them off, like farmers use to scare off geese. Sort of.

He had a semi automatic rifle with a twenty round magazine. I had blanks and a blank adapter.

Late one evening, he slowly made his way out to a chaise lounge on his back porch, carrying the rifle. With a blanket over his knees, he settled down to enjoy the evening, watch the stars as the sky grew dark and, oh! There’s two shadows skulking across the six foot fence between the two properties!

Difficult to see because there was no moon that night, he waited until they were nearly to the woodpile before challenging them. “Stop where you’re at!” he yelled.

The shadows stopped. After a minute of silence, they apparently decided that the loud yell hadn’t been intended for them, as they started again for the wood pile. “Stop, or I’ll shoot!” was the new challenge.

Once again they stopped. Communed. Apparently decided again that it couldn’t be themselves being addressed as it was too dark for them to be seen. BUUUUTT, just to be safe, perhaps they should delay their expedition for the moment. They turned about and commenced a reverse skulk.

Quoth my friend, “I SAID STOP!” and pulled the trigger.

Now, a .308 caliber rifle blank has no bullet, so there is no danger at any distance from the muzzle. It does have everything else that you’d expect from rifle fire, though. LOUD noise and a jet of flame from the muzzle about eighteen inches long. Proper trigger work can empty a twenty round magazine in five seconds or less.

The first of the shadows apparently forgot the six foot wood fence and ran into it at full steam before the five seconds was well started. Number two either remembered or was reminded by the crash of his cohort rearranging the boards. He made a valiant leap for the top but only made it halfway, flipping across at belt level, with his legs scissoring in the air. Number one clawed his way over the fence shortly thereafter and peace descended on the scene.

Inspection the next day revealed the fence to have received a blow adequate to crack one of the 4×4 inch posts where the ne’er-do-well had hit it. Otherwise, no damage was obvious. But, there were no more midnight resupply runs, either.

Perhaps not a recommended solution in these much more PC times but it certainly was effective then.